Constantly Craving Him
by youkai chick supreme
Summary: He was the only constant thing in my life. My ever present, never changing hero. He brought so much to my life and took away even more. My Inuyasha.


Hello again. Another melancholy Inuyasha one shot coming at you! But this one has a twist… Ever think about how weird it would be for Kaede to watch Inuyasha, her sister's "murderer", as he stays the same age, in suspended animation, as she grows older? I did. And I'm probably not the first one either…

Disclaimer: I own nothing. This house is my mother's property, as is this computer. I only own the shirt on my back, and some Inuyasha DVDs... That's it. I do NOT own Inuyasha. Takahashi-san does… Lucky bitch. Oh how I wish Inuyasha was mine… :Hentai thoughts:

* * *

"Kaede-sama, Kaede-sama!" Someone is calling to me, but I can't tell who it is. It's not Onee-sama, she wouldn't call me that. It can't be her, no, this voice is definitely male. I can't tell who it is though. And I do not want to leave the comfort of my futon. Meager though it is, it is still mine, and I do love it.

"Kaede-sama! Get up!" Weakly opening my sleepy eyes, and protesting the entire time, I notice that it is Tohru, the elderly man I have been staying with since… that day. The day my world cracked and shattered, the day everything went to hell, the day Inuyasha killed Onee-sama. Yes, I remember now, Onee-sama has been dead for the past five years.

I can't believe that it has really been five years since I lost the two people who were most important to me. I miss them, both of them, terribly. It's like a soul consuming ache that never leaves me. I long to see her face again, my ever beautiful elder sister, Kikyou. I can't say I long to see his face, I see his everyday. I know it so well I could carve his likeness with my eyes closed. I know I can, I've done it many times before. How many little statues do I have that depict his exact likeness, right down to the ears, stuffed under my futon, buried in the fields, burnt in Onee-sama's funeral pyre…

"Hello Tohru." My greeting is simple, but I can't think of anything else to say to this man. I owe him much, but he owes me everything. After all, I'm the only one who could carry on what Onee-sama started. It is my job to protect this village and all that inhabit it. I have saved it numerous times before, and I shall continue to protect my home for years to come, if the gods permit.

"Hello Kaede-sama, I am sorry to disturb you. But the sun has risen, and it is time for you to start meditating." He smiles politely, simply, and for a moment I feel like asking him to leave his own house. His politeness annoys me to no end. Ever since that day, the whole village has been on pins and needles around me. No one ever mentions the names Kikyou or Inuyasha anymore. No one is bold, everyone is overly polite, and the subject of death is clearly not to be mentioned around me. I feel like a prisoner in my own village.

"Ah yes, thank you for waking me." He is dismissed, I hope he will understand this and leave. After much deliberation, he finally turns and leaves, dropping the mat back in front of my door, where it belongs. I rise slowly, looking out the window, really it's just a hole in the wall, and I focus my gaze toward the Goshinboku… toward him. And I must suppress the urge to brush off my meditation session and visit him.

He looks exactly the same. Even with only one eye, I know he looks exactly the same. There are so many thoughts and emotions attached to him in my mind. He was so angry when he first came to the village. Onee-sama subdued his feral blood. Soon he became docile, gentle even. He was always kind to me… Until that day. It was like everything he had been suppressing, that wildness that he was hiding burst forth and destroyed everything that I held dear. He killed Onee-sama, he ripped out my eye, he burnt more than half of the village down, and then he too left.

Everything I held dear to me vanished in the blink of an eye. But even though he's gone, he's still right here. It's comforting in its peculiarity. I should hate him. I should loathe everything about him. Chop his head off while he's stuck in bewitched slumber. But I can't. I can't kill him, I can't even hate him. I love him too much to even dislike him. And I miss him more than I even miss Onee-sama… I do. He was much more alive than she ever was. He was my friend. Even now, he still is my best friend.

I wish to brush off my meditation session, but it's my new duty, so I do it, begrudgingly. I want to turn and run towards him, my old protector. He saved me from drowning once… scooped me right out of the icy water which I fell in while fishing. He picked me up, brushed the excess water off, and wrapped me in his protective embrace. I fell in deep that day, deeply in love. Perhaps that protective embrace reminded me of the father I never knew. Perhaps it was just a young girl falling for her sister's lover, no more complex than that. All I know is that I loved him from that day on.

* * *

Then, during the summer of my nineteenth year on this planet, I met Koji. He was the only other man I ever loved, the first being Inuyasha. They were polar opposites, where Inuyasha was wild, untamed, and slightly animalistic; Koji was polite, reserved, and gentle. Inuyasha reminded me of what I longed to be, Koji reminded me of what I was forced to become. He also reminded me of Onee-sama. I still missed her greatly.

Koji was a wandering monk. He had been traveling the countryside, looking for a place to settle down permanently. He stumbled across our village by pure accident, and found me while I was visiting Inuyasha. He became enraptured by the tale of a miko falling in love with a hanyou. He exorcized youkai on a daily basis, he could not comprehend falling in love with one. Part of me resented him for it, but I was lonely, and he was wonderful.

But my happiness with Koji did not last. He couldn't stand the fact that I visited Inuyasha everyday, sometimes twice a day. He couldn't understand how I could stand the sight of the man, nay, monster that killed my sister, stole my eye, and nearly annihilated my village. He knew that I still loved Inuyasha, and it infuriated him. Perhaps he knew that in my heart, I would always love Inuyasha more than him.

He confronted me one day, as I stood on the roots of the Goshinboku, reverently touching Inuyasha's haori, unbeknownst to him, a small smile on my face. Clutching an ofuda tightly in his right hand, he yelled my name. Caught, I turned quickly, flinging my hand away, and hopped off the roots, noticing how furious Koji looked. His normally pale blue eyes looked positively storm cloud gray. I made sure to stand directly in between him and Inuyasha.

"Kaede-chan, this has gone on for way to long. Move out of my way so I can destroy this beast." I shook my head curtly, it seemed to only make him more upset. "Why do you defend him? He is a monster! He hurt you, he killed your sister! How can you love that thing!" He was right; I was stupid to still love Inuyasha. My head told me to let Koji kill my old hero, but my heart pleaded with me to let him live. I couldn't stop loving him; no matter what he did to me in the past, he still captivated me, he made me love him.

"He's my friend. He listens to me. He was the only one to ever listen to me… I can't forsake him. He deserves better than that. I know he hurt people, myself included, but I can't hurt him. Will killing him bring back Onee-sama? Will it bring back the people who died, or the crops, or… my eye? Killing him will only hurt me. Please, leave it be." I hated myself for it, but I started crying. Koji looked unmoved though; he still was clutching his ofuda menacingly. He still wanted to destroy my friend.

"You foolish youkai whore." He threw the ofuda at me. I think he expected it to purify me, kill me for loving a hanyou. Whatever he was waiting for didn't happen. I didn't dissolve into ashes, I didn't suddenly want revenge on Inuyasha, I didn't run to him and tell him he was right. After a few moments he left and never returned. I never saw him again. But life went on. I still visited Inuyasha. I still remained village miko.

Days came and went, each one nearly identical in its unimportance, the years flew by. They were lonely years. Moments came when I wished I would have just died along with Onee-sama. They were strong and vivid, and they came often. There were times when I was sitting, meditating, and I became consumed by my loneliness, and I simply wished to join my sister in the afterlife. That loneliness is what Onee-sama wished so badly to escape.

* * *

Then the villagers began to grow suspicious of my visits to Inuyasha as I reached middle age. Why would a middle aged miko visit an enchanted teenage boy? It didn't make sense, to them. They demanded I stop visiting or they would have to take action. I didn't doubt they would try to kill us both. So I cut back my visits to once a week. The villagers were appeased. My days when I didn't visit Inuyasha were boring at best. I healed the sick, I watched happy village women being courted, getting married, having children, being normal… Everyday I was reminded that I was different. I was lonelier than ever before.

But again, life went one, only now it felt longer. My days were spent being glared at by narrow minded villagers, who conveniently forgot that I purified youkai on a daily basis. The men hated me for my devotion to a known killer. The women pitied me to an extent, and honestly believed I was in legion with the youkai. I survived it though; and things got better when a pair of scorpion demons attacked and I purified then single-handedly. I was a heroine once again. And my time was once again filled with meditation for nearly the whole day, eating a simple meal, picking and planting different healing herbs, tending to the sick, and not being normal. There was never a moment in my life when I felt even the slightest bit normal.

* * *

The seasons piled up like ripples on a pond, starting with one, slowly, then growing into dozens before I could even blink. I was nearing six decades old when the strangest thing happened. This bizarrely dressed woman was standing on the roots of the Goshinboku, just as I did when I was her age, staring intently at Inuyasha's face, like he was her long lost lover. And I was jealous. Silly as it sounds, I was jealous of the young woman, because she woke him up, and I couldn't.

She looked so much like Onee-sama, upon waking, Inuyasha nearly tore her apart, saying he was betrayed. No one knew what he was talking about, until he called her Kikyou. Then it clicked, this strange young woman must be Onee-sama's reincarnation. After all, she housed the jewel inside her body, and Onee-sama left strict instructions to burn it with her body. And we did. That's why she got to win him over. Onee-sama always was better than I. She always was a better miko, a prettier maiden, and she always got Inuyasha while I could never even touch him.

That why I was always jealous, of Onee-sama, of Kagome. She got to love him in a way I never could. And she got his love in return. All I got was the nickname kid, later amended to Baba. All I got were titles I never wanted in the first place. All I wanted was to be Kaede. All I wanted was love, real affection, a real friend. All I wanted was a semi-normal life. But I never got what I wanted, I never get what I want. Why is it I never get what I want?

* * *

The end?

Well… there you go. I like it. How about you? Sorry if the time progression confused the hell out of you. It confused me too if that makes you feel better. Now review.


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